Serious issue with relationships of any form

 

I'm on my period, which means I'm overly sensitive (more than usual) and crave body contact 24/7. I'm also tired, like really, really tired...so I went to YouTube and searched for videos to fall asleep to, like those weird SpongeBob theories but I found an ASMR channel instead. My ex-girlfriend's favorite ASMR Channel.

Now...I don't miss my ex-girlfriend anymore. Sure, she's still a wonderful and beautiful woman, but I would feel way too insecure next to her, and I am not afraid to admit it. Also, she kinda broke my heart when she left me for a guy she met over Fortnite (after being out as a Lesbian for 5 years or something). I'm not lying when I say I don't miss her.

I don't miss the fights. I don't miss our immature ignoring. And I especially don't miss her mom. That woman scared the shit out of me.

But I do miss her touch. I miss her lips on mine. I miss the way she would tell me how much she loved my eyes in the sunlight. And I miss hearing her voice.

We met in 5th grade and became good friends, bonding over self-harm and yaoi manga. And suddenly it turned into so much more. It turned into my first kiss...my first sexual experiences (nothing below the belt y'all). It took us fucking four years to finally let go, from 6th grade to 10th. Now I don't even remember her scent. It genuinely breaks me.

People say your first WLW breakup will haunt you...and I totally get it.  

But the person who was there for me during that breakup just broke me to my bones. I never really found men attractive till a certain age, I was so fixed on women that the image alone of straight sex made me cringe. So when my heart started beating faster at the sound of his voice...I felt so disgusted with myself.

He was there for me during all of my breakups with her, pulled me out of my apartment when I didn't want to go out. He was the first 'man' I was not embarrassed to cry in front of. I knew he had a crush on me, I'm not stupid, but I never was into him like that.

It should've just been that way but my stupid brain got attached and I fell so deep into that hole filled with attachment and love for him that I genuinely went crazy. 3 years of going back and forth for nothing. I know he couldn't give me what I wanted. He couldn't give me the love and attention that I needed but I can't help but miss his voice as well. His stupid touch on my waist or his lips on my forehead. 

I can't watch my favorite gamer because of him. I can't wear my old favorite perfume because it was his favorite. Sometimes I even feel bad when I'm texting with other men WHILE HE HAS A WHOLE FUCKING GIRLFRIEND OF ONE OR TWO YEARS NOW!?!?!?! My ex-girlfriend also had a boyfriend after me (the Fortnite guy). 

Now my question is, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!? I don't have feelings left for either of them but I just can't do certain things. Can't listen to certain music, can't watch movies or smell certain scents. I'm just trapped in this circle of nostalgia and I feel stuck. 

My friends don't make it easy either by mentioning both of them. My best friend even dated my ex-girlfriend's best friend for a while... boy, was that weird.

I'm not made for any form of bonding. Not even friendship. 

I have to go to sleep, I'm so freaking tired. Wish me good luck in finding peace tonight.

    xoxo, Kiana

Trisha Paytas

 

Most days I feel like early Trisha Paytas. Overweight, lowk weird and incredibly sad. I’m such a sensitive person and I don't even know why because it wasn't always like that. Of course I cried a lot as a child but never because of every single thing possible.

It got this bad only during puberty and somehow just stuck with me ever since. I cry because of everything that comes to mind right now. AND I HATE CRYING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I even cried when someone told me that 'I'm boring', like excuse me?

But especially the last few days have been rough and I don't even know why. 

I wake up -> I want to cry.

I get ready for my day -> I want to cry.

Thinking about my courses with people I can't stand -> I want to cry.

Going to bed -> I want to cry.

Most of the time I can hold it in but sometimes I just can't stop it. I feel so disgusted with myself like 90% of the time but it's especially bad if I cry in front of people, even my mama.

I feel so connected to old Trisha Paytas and her crying videos because that woman is so relatable. Here are some of her quotes that I think about often.

1.  "And what I don't understand is how you can go from Saturday to Sunday saying: "I love you, I'll be over"...to the text saying..."We shouldn't be in contact anymore."

2. "And my heart has been hurting for the past week. Even more than someone not wanting to see you, It's been hurting that I could be so mean to people who I was in love with. And people I'm in love with are not bad people. Sometimes they're broken and sometimes they're wounded...and they're not bad people- cause i wouldnt fall in love with bad people."

3. "I'm not sure what to do, I feel so alone. I-...I've been reaching out to people I don't even know that well to talk to them on the phone and talk through it and just talk."

4. "I'm one of those people who wants to, like, love and be loved so bad, but it's so hard to find. And I don't know why it's so hard to find for me."

5. "Like, I know I'm like a mess...but in a way there's comfort in that. I don't- if you guys know what I mean like..at least when I'm by myself and when I'm alone... it's just me and no one's trying to hurt me. No one's making me feel bad for something I did or that I've apologized for, like... it's just me and I'm- I'm like, I can be happy and anything. But are you?"

She's so relatable; it's unreal. I can agree with the heart hurting a lot. Sometimes I feel like I have this too-big heart that can't handle my even bigger feelings. Most of the time, when I cry, my heart physically hurts, I just want to squeeze it so it stops.

This is pathetic, 

    xoxo, Kiana

The Notebook

 

The Notebook follows an elderly man reading a notebook to an elderly woman in a nursing home.

The story in the notebook focuses on Noah and Allie, two young people who fall deeply in love during the summer. Both come from very different social backgrounds, and they spend an unforgettable summer together. However, Allie’s parents do not approve of Noah, so they separate the couple and take Allie away. Years later, Allie is engaged to another man, while Noah has never stopped thinking about her, so he builds her dream house. When they meet because Allie sees his photo in the paper, their old feelings return. 

At the end, it is revealed that the elderly couple are Noah and Allie themselves. Allie wrote the notebook during her Alzheimers diagnosis so Noah could read their story to her to remind her. Despite her illness, she occasionally remembers him and their love.

The film ends with both of them dying peacefully together in their shared sleep.

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Most teenagers see themselves in Noah, thinking they behave exactly like him and tbh that's exactly what annoys me. Don't get me wrong, I'm also one of those people who says "omg that's me" but with characters that actually fit me. Because if you say "I'm just like him" - well mate, that's just a lie. 

Because no, you did not lose your best friend in war. 

No, you did not write her 365 letters.

and certainly did you not build a house for her just like she told you multiple years ago.

In my opinion, today's youth is filled with so much lust that most people don't even realize how important love is. The German title of this film is "Wie ein einziger Tag" which translates to "Like a single day" because that's how they felt. They did not have enough time, not even after they married because Allie's illness robbed them of their time. Most teenagers today see love as something totally different than the teenagers did almost 90 years ago. I'm not saying that everyone wants to have sex these days but there's a difference between "having sex" and "making love". 

"Making love" does not exist anymore.

I know this is super embarrassing to get so angry about it but I'm so over those people who only know this film because of those stupid TikToks. I remember crying like crazy when our DVD broke during moving only for some human beings to see this film as "basic". Writing this after I just finished the movie for the billionth time so obviously I'm bawling my eyes out.

That's enough for today.

xoxo, Kiana